i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
