How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
