did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
