I wish I could teleport
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
