He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
