i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
