I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
