shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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