Please, let me fuck your mom
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
