and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
