Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
