She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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