Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
