i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
