OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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