I think my fart just growled at me.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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