That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
