I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
