I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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