So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
