I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
