You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
