I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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