shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
