meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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