Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
