What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
