Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
