my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
