he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
this hospital has no fireball
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
