I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
