I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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