I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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