he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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