Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
