we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
