Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
what day is it and did you see me today?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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