god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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