you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize