dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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