Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
