I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
