Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He has the fingertips of a God
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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