I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
