He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The police scanner is talking about you again....
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
