ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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