well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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