did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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