Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
