and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
